Jokes, Funnies and Email Jollies

[Twitchin Kitten]

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[Twilla]

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What's the point of taking this photo?


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[LKTraz]

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Um....same as taking one of the penguins at the zoo?

[takmark]

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I was clearing away some files and found this....
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Scottish Lonely Hearts
Scottish Lonely Hearts....ads from the lonely-hearts column.

Glasgow Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm Box 29/50

Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Framptons Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please!
Box 30/41

Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering chickens in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box 52/07


Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest. Box
40/27

Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey.
Strong stomach essential Box 12/32

Red-haired troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. Box 84/87

Bitter, disillusioned Dundee Man lately rejected by long-time fiancée' seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box 53/41

Aberdeen man, 45, in desperate need of a shag. Anything considered. Box06/03
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[Marie5656]

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I got this one frome my brother today...a blonde joke I had never heard before.

TRUCKERS BREAKFAST

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and
Placed his order. He said, 'I want three flat
Tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of
Running boards.'

The brand new blonde waitress, not want-
Ing to appear stupid, went to the kitchen
And said to the cook, 'This guy out there
Just ordered three flat tires, a pair of head-
Lights and a pair of running boards.....
What does he think this place is, an auto
Parts store?'

'No,' the cook said.. 'Three flat tires ...
Mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights..
Is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of
Running boards... Are 2 slices of crisp bacon!

'Oh,... OK!' said the blonde. She thought
About it for a moment and then spooned
Up a bowl of beans and gave it to the
Customer.

The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for
Blondie?'

I LOVE THIS ONE.......... remember it is a BLONDE joke lol


'She replied, 'I thought while you were
Waiting for the flat tires, headlights and
Running boards, you might as well gas up!


FOR ONCE THE BLOND GETS EVEN

[LKTraz]

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I have always loved "Gas Guzzling Cars" for their comfort & safety.

I took out a Cadillac Escalade for a test drive the other day, just to
drive that sucker before they become extinct.

The salesman sat in the front seat describing the car and all its wonderful options.

The seats were of particular interest.

He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

I stated the car must be a Republican car.

He asked why I thought it was a Republican car, and I explained that if
it were a Democrat car, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

[LKTraz]

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Beer ~vs~ Pussy

A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football
game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a
breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

Pussy can make you see God.
Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are
normal.
If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you
are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you
back.
Advantage: beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Draw

Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.

[Twilla]

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Awkward family photos:


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[Flamethrower]

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My eyes! My eyes! They're burning!!!!!!!!

The first pic did it! LOL

[Twilla]

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The bug-eyed dog as baby Jesus cracks me up everytime I look at it.