Jokes, Funnies and Email Jollies

[Twitchin Kitten]

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The Unusual Tattoo!


A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the hell have you been?"

"I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis."

"What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?"

"Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow...

"Number two, once in awhile, I like to play with my money...

"And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"

[LKTraz]

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HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest
dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red
Hat chapter decided on this "all-girls" trip.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and
dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit
golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for
dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive
and attentive.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 4


Won $800.00 in the ship's casino.
Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a
scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to
stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to
my husband.


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DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I
went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day.
Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is charming. Again asked me to
visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did
not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship.. I was
shocked..

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice!

[LKTraz]

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Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and
Donnie.

As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is
killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone
should go and tell his wife.

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'

'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Donnie says.

'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's
widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

[LKTraz]

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This is an Incredible story!


In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .




On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.


The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.


He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.


As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,


after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.


The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments..


Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.


Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.


Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.





Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.


As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and


walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.


The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.


The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.


Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.


Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.


He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.


The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs


and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.





Probably wasn't the same elephant...




This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.

[LKTraz]

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A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play the juke-box with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the
back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the
father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is
sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds
the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way,
unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's
testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which
the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks
back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes
over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do
anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?'

'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney'

[LKTraz]

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Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Larry replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

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A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

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"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court

Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and

then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,

took the husband aside and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband.

"But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has

been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that

were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take

to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, "Just a minute."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

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Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"Oops!"

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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.

It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

He's still in intensive care.

............................................................

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive

clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,

accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

[JohnWho]

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An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she say, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you"..

Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me...talking to the wine."

[JohnWho]

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This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said,
"dogs are not eligible to draw welfare." I explained to her that my dogs
are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no
clue who their Daddy's are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with
housing and medical care. She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My dogs get their first checks Friday.

Damn, this sure is a great country.

[Twitchin Kitten]

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LOL can I sign up the cats too?