Jokes, Funnies and Email Jollies

[LKTraz]

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Deposit them here!

Please check your political correctness and general civilities at the door.

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Psalm 2009

FIRST BOOK OF GOVERNMENT ..

Obama is the shepherd I did not want.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my faith in the Republican party.
He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line,
I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me.
He has anointed my income with taxes,
My expenses runneth over.
Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will live in a mortgaged home forever.
I am glad I am American,
I am glad that I am free.
But I wish I was a dog ....
And Obama was a tree.

[LKTraz]

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Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style."

The nine contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive to Waco , Austin , San Antonio , over to Houston and down to Brownsville ..

They will then proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso , Midland , Odessa , Lubbock and Amarillo . From there they will go on to Abilene , Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas .

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read:
"I'm a Democrat"
"I'm Gay"
"I love the Dixie Chicks"
"Boycott Beef"
"I Voted for Obama"
" George Strait Sucks"
"Hillary in 2012"
and...
"I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

[LKTraz]

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An Obituary printed in the London Times -

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red
tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons
as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old
boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher
fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his
condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing
the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have
an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;
and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common
Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar
in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little
in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.


Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife,
Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.


He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now,
Someone Else Is To Blame, I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral
because so few realized he was gone .

[LKTraz]

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These are from a book

called: Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, recorded and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these changes were actually taking place.



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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?




DEFENDANT: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'




ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?




DEFENDANT: My name is Susan






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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?




WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.





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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?


WITNESS: No, I just lie there.






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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?




WITNESS: Yes.


ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?


WITNESS: I forget.


ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?



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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it

until the next morning?




WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?







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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?



WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ!





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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?






WITNESS: Are you shitting me?




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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?



WITNESS: Yes.



ATTORNEY: How many were boys?




WITNESS: None.




ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?




WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?








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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?




WITNESS: By death.




ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?



WITNESS: Take a guess.




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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?





WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.


ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?


WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.




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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?


WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.




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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you peerformed on dead people?




WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.























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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?




WITNESS: Oral.




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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?




WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.




ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?




WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.




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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?




WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?




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And the best for last . . .






ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?




WITNESS: No.




ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?




WITNESS: No.




ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?



WITNESS: No.




ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?




WITNESS: No.




ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor ?




WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.




ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?







WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[LKTraz]

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Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool teacher gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:..... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :.... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:.... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :...... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :... Let's not go there.

Titanic:.... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :..... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :...... Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :...... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

[LKTraz]

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The South - You Gotta Love It

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters (Tommy) returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I nee d some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Louisiana

A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana . "When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

South Carolina

A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep", he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."

[Twitchin Kitten]

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Oh shit

[kbear]

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Good ones!

[LKTraz]

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One of my workmates sent me this and warned me not to be eating or drinking as I read it. This was in essence to save me from choking, drowning or spraying my monitor with foreign substances from laughing.

I thank him for that and pass along the same advice.





WARNING: ONLY Read This WHEN You Are Able To LAUGH OUT
LOUD.

I went to Home Depot recently while not being
altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the
previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my
patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chili.
Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes
with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both
of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even
after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing
happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way
through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning
symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not
sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being
paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at
first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about
dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite
end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm
talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that
always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was
different. The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt. In
a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring
sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section,
suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before
been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor
might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the
lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it,
just as an orange aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed
any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see
what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to
dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions
emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will
be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I
simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently
indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before
gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving
his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This,
of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .........BIG
mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep
things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an
explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and
echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked,
fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way,
praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to
the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet
seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked
in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and
Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!,
did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my
partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a
store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step
outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink
bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for
a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing
residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back
pulling his apron up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an
accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments
later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises
and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there
was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The
next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that
because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're
going to have to repaint the store.

[LKTraz]

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Husband Down


A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'