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1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your
left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from
behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy
pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top
of wardrobe.
Call spouse in from the garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.
Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler
and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and
vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.
Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of
scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to
disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away
and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat
from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie
the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold
head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right
eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell
and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from
behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy
pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top
of wardrobe.
Call spouse in from the garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.
Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler
and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and
vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.
Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of
scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to
disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away
and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat
from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie
the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold
head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right
eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell
and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
I know you think you understand what you thought I said,
but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant!
but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant!