Things to remember if I ever become an Evil Overlord

[Twitchin Kitten]

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Things To Remember If I Ever Become an Evil Overlord

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors,
   not face-concealing ones.
   

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
   

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
   anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
   
   

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
   

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
   Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
   Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the
   object which is my one weakness.
   

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
   

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill
   me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No."
   and shoot him. Actually, on second thought I'll shoot him, then say
   "No."
   

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately
   in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time
   during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
   

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
   necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
   labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not
   Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough
   to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be
   labeled as such.
   
   

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small
    hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
    

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need
    to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
    enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
    

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws
    in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
    implementation.
    

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds
    of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the
    cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying
    celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
    

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
    other form of last request.
    

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find
    that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate
    when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into
    operation.
    
    

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's
    just one thing I want to know."
    

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to
    their advice.
    

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt
    to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction
    at a crucial point in time.
    

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was
    evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her
    own father.
    

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
    maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected
    developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to
    accordingly.
    

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms
    for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make
    them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol
    hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a
    more positive mind-set.
    
    

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I
    will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
    

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops
    in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my
    power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons
    useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed
    with spears and rocks.
    

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
    weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at
    least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM
    INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
    

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort
    of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and
    virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
    

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there
    is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me.
    Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my
    bedchamber.
    

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important
    systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the
    same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at
    all times.
    
    

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
    escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
    

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies
    into confusion.
    

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and
    cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes
    will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of
    comic relief.
    

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
    surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected
    reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
    

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad
    news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard
    to come by.
    

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to
    wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual
    dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be
    reserved for formal occasions.
    
    

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
    

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look
    diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of
    Generation X.
    

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell
    block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will
    keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out
    copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
    

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a
    battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
    

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
    anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of
    waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me
    in my old age.
    

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at
    the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite
    number among his army.
    
    

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable
    superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of
    keeping it in reserve.
    

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel
    devices.
    

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog,
    monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of
    untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
    

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
    beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good
    looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my
    plans.
    

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work
    for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds
    to give the other guy a sporting chance.
    

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible
    for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will
    not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for
    failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
    
    

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one
    man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
    

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I
    will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for
    him to mature.
    

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology
    with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will
    not immediately come after me for revenge.
    

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me,
    I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them
    out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
    

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that
    will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh
    powerbooks.
    

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the
    conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer
    him to a less people-oriented position.
    
    

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to
    examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned
    tunnels that I might not know about.
    

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry
    you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill
    her.
    

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to
    double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
    

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place
    in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important
    covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if
    there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less
    attention.
    

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who
    cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for
    target practice.
    

57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will
    carefully read the owner's manual.
    
    

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose
    dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
    

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
    

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any
    code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds,
    will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
    

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad
    scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies
    them.
    

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding
    structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
    

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And
    they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going
    through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
    
    

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely
    unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a
    disadvantage.
    

65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals,
    the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as
    the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The
    actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
    

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone
    who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for
    fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that
    sequence will trigger the alarm system.
    

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be
    instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a
    full-scale emergency.
    

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is
    only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is
    good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better
    save my life again.
    

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be
    delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in
    foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of
    the wild.
    
    

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always
    travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one
    of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will
    immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of
    quizzically peering around a corner.
    

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should
    be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen
    standing by in case the answer is no.
    

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and
    begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of
    using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
    

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged
    contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to
    win.
    

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that
    my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not
    label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my
    desk.
    

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse,
    instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack
    one or two at a time.
    
    

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and
    struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also
    not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge
    over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
    

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero
    the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain
    enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of
    earshot before making the offer.
    

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!"
    The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably
    practical."
    

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon
    as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into
    limited-edition commemorative coins.
    

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my
    best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as
    he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
    

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed
    him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops
    flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to
    find out what he saw.
    
    

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front
    of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
    

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then
    have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both
    of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
    

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the
    opposite sex.
    

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly
    complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar
    then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead
    it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
    

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly
    grounded.
    

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use.
    Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
    
    

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate
    them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task
    again.
    

89. After I capture the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately
    disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds
    the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I
    took it from him.
    

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is
    facing away from the door.
    

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and
    obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment
    is finished. It might actually be important.
    

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him.
    Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight
    on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few
    months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of
    righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
    

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling
    who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to
    go first.
    
    

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and
    grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
    

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with
    bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells
    the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead
    of opening up the cell for a look.
    

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control
    panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on
    the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
    

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain
    reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
    

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully
    monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I
    will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together
    against their will and they spend all their time bickering and
    criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when
    they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of
    sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
    

99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in
    size.
    
    

100. On my computers, a small error such as and illogical statement or
     damage to an input device will not cause the computer to explode. If
     one computer explodes, none of the rest of my computers will explode.
     If any of my computers explode, this will not cause my master power
     generators to explode destroying my entire fortress.
     

101. If I am going to set off an explosion to destroy my opponents
     it won't have a big display showing how many seconds until the explosion.
     The explosion will just go off when I press the button.
     

102. I will get rid of anyone who looks like me.
     

[twisteroo]

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Wow, 102 of them, I wonder what dateless wonder made this up.

[Havoc]

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sounds like a plan . just remember that with the list in hand survival only depends on foresight.

[Flamethrower]

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Seems to me that 103 should be: "I will never place my secret hideout on a deserted island. The middle of the Bronx would be FAR less obvious!"