Jokes, Funnies and Email Jollies

[LKTraz]

0

One of my workmates sent me this and warned me not to be eating or drinking as I read it. This was in essence to save me from choking, drowning or spraying my monitor with foreign substances from laughing.

I thank him for that and pass along the same advice.





WARNING: ONLY Read This WHEN You Are Able To LAUGH OUT
LOUD.

I went to Home Depot recently while not being
altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the
previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my
patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chili.
Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes
with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both
of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even
after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing
happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way
through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning
symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not
sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being
paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at
first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about
dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite
end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm
talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that
always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was
different. The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt. In
a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring
sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section,
suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before
been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor
might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the
lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it,
just as an orange aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed
any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see
what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to
dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions
emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will
be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I
simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently
indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before
gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving
his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This,
of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .........BIG
mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep
things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an
explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and
echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked,
fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way,
praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to
the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet
seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked
in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and
Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!,
did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my
partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a
store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step
outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink
bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for
a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing
residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back
pulling his apron up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an
accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments
later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises
and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there
was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The
next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that
because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're
going to have to repaint the store.